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Vitamin Q: the book!

~ Tuesday, October 15, 2002
 
ANDREW NEILSON's TOP TEN OF THE HAPLESS

10) Dick Rowe - The Decca executive who turned down the chance to sign The Beatles.

9)George Weiss aka Captain Rainbow - Peter Cook's trustafarian next-door-neighbour and sometime collaborator. In 1992, George - who had spent years failing to make his Captain Rainbow's Universal Party a force in British politics - inherited £30,000, after squandering the rest of his money on various misguided ventures. Having got his hands on the last of the loot, George decided to initiate his masterplan and use the money to put up deposits for CRUP candidates in the General Election. After advertising in various national newspapers, he attracted the required number of prospective CRUP MPs, most of whom, with startling predictability, promptly pocketed £500 each and were never heard of again.

8) Glen Matlock - Poor old Glen Matlock. The original bassist in the Sex Pistols, and more importantly, the actual writer of their music. Coming up with tunes such as Pretty Vacant and Anarchy in the UK didn't stop the rest of the band forcing
Matlock out in favour of Sid Vicious, a talentless ne'er-do-well. On one occasion, Pistols guitarist Steve Jones devised a punishment for Glen "liking the Beatles". Jones masturbated between two slices of bread and then offered the bassist his ersatz luncheon. Ignorant of the filling, Matlock proceeded to chow down. Such is the fickle nature of prosterity. Sid Vicious is remembered as a tragic pop icon. Glen Matlock is remembered for eating a spunk sandwich.

7) Ben Affleck - Interviewer: You struck gold with 'Good Will Hunting'. Are you still writing screenplays? Baffleck: I haven't longed to write a screenplay again. I've been writing stuff just personally for me. Just single-word stuff to get me through the day. Sometimes I'll write down just 'root' or 'energy'.

6) Jason McAteer's Mum - Republic of Ireland team-mate Ian Harte relates: "The other week Jason gave a Ralph Lauren polo shirt to his mum to wash and those shirts are longer at the back than at the front. His mum didn't spot this until after she'd washed it, thought she'd shrunk the front, and so cut the back to make both sides equal. He says that's where he gets his stupidity from."

5)Brutus and his Masters - Not the Roman. Brutus was a guide dog for the blind in South Bend, Indiana. Unfortunately, Brutus had a habit of leading his masters down flights of stairs, and guided three owners into open manholes in the street. Sadism or canine incompetence? In a case that went to court, Brutus was found guilty of manslaughter and put to sleep.

4) Moby Grape - San Francisco 60s band who should have been massive, but weren't. Their name derives from a 60s 'joke': "What is big and purple and lives at the bottom of the sea?" Hey, surreal man. It all started to go wrong for Moby Grape when they simultaneously released five debut singles - thereby insuring that none of them was a hit. Despite a classic first album, Moby Grape swiftly descended into the usual mismanagement/drugs/madness fare. By 1969, things were so bad that guitarist Bob Mosley left the band...to fight in Vietnam.

3) Ken Charles Barger - In 1992 in North Carolina, Mr Barger accidentally shot himself and died. Waking to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

2) Marcel Proust - Proust was not lucky in love. He bought his lover, Alfred Agostinelli, a light aircraft, which Agostinelli proceeded to crash into the sea off Marseilles, killing himself. Most of us say it with flowers. Marcel said it with light aircraft.

1) Trigger from Only Fools and Horses - "If it's a girl, they're gonna call it Rose, after Del's mum. And if it's a
boy, they're gonna call it Rodney, after Dave."

Source: thanks to Andrew Neilson

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