PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT

25 phrases you do not want to hear:

1 We need to talk
2 Can you spare a minute or two?
3 There's been an accident
4 And now, a few of my own songs
5 Step into the office for a moment
6 It's not you, it's me
7 I'm phoning on behalf of...
8 Maybe you should sit down
9 Close your eyes and open your mouth
10 I like you, just not in that way
11 I want to talk to you about Jesus*
12 Please don't get angry, but...
13 Just pop your clothes on that chair
14 About last night...
15 Do you mind if I join you?
16 What's that on your shoe?
17 ... and you can't miss it
18 You'll have to suck the poison out
19 I'm from the News of the World
20 Of course he doesn't bite
21 Mum, I can't hold it in any longer
22 Go on, have a bite, it tastes a bit like chicken
23 I'm doing a sponsored walk...
24 So I think you should have a test too, just in case
25 I had this weird dream last night
26 No, be honest, do I look fat?
27 It's all about this man who...
28 Can you watch these two for me whilst I nip out
29 My next poem is a long one and was inspired by the death of my mother / birth of my first child / my holiday in Tuscany...

Compare the even more ominous 'Jesus told a joke once...'

Source: by RcL, plus thanks to Jo, Chloe and Jonathan. Please send more... thanks To Rebecca Sabin for 28