TONIGHT, WE HAVE WITH US...
 
Calamities, glitches etc occuring during poetry readings I have given:
 
Reads (through gritted teeth) while DJ adds beats to his poem (Los Angeles 01)
Declares a toilet break for himself during an hour long reading (Oxford 98)
Class of 15 year olds keep demanding 'the one about three in a bed sex' (London 02)
Pretentiously dedicates poem Detox to himself (Brighton 97)
Reads translation of his poem Simpatika in Tagalog, a language he does not know (Manila 01)
Announces, untruthfully,  to audience that he suffers from agoraphobia (London 94)
Reads How to Buy a Lion for the first and, mercifully, last time (Paisley 99)
Is asked by school pupil if he gathers with other poets to drink sherry (London 02)
Attracts crowd of zero (New Orleans 02)
Is heckled throughout reading by mad bloke on drugs (Edinburgh 94)
Asks audience (at length) to decide whether or not he just picked up pound coin from piss-puddle in toilets (London 04)
Tells audience (untruthfully) he hates animals (Aberdeen 95)
Has loudness competition with cappuccino machine (Borders, Glasgow 97)
Struggles to pay attention due to stunning woman in audience (who later attempts to seduce him) (Stockholm 02)
Displays over-excited reaction to birthday drinks (Inverness 97)
Makes American woman cry by reading Theft (Edinburgh 97)
Pettishly accosts publisher (who is present) about the price of his book (Bolton 97)

Wears biblical beard (Bolton 00)
Reads to asylum seekers, none of whom speaks English (Leeds 02)
Is (for umpteenth time) unflatteringly sketched by audience member (Cheltenham 02)
Sits on seat covered in glue (Bolton 97 - Bolton officially revealed as his 'bogey gig')
Makes woman cry by reading The Tremendous Few (Edinburgh 03)
Begins book launch reading with quote from Daphne & Celeste (London 01)
Gives the 'We are the 1 in 20!' passionate speech, to many nods (Bacolod 01)
Just, and no more, fights off urge to tell tragic recent life story to audience (Ledbury 04)
Reads in a Motley Crue T-shirt (London 00)
Forgets to bring poems (Tunbridge Wells 02)